Results 2023

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200 million years ago, dinosaurs ruled the earth.  Their reign lasted over 100 million years. Unfortunately for them, Bruce Willis had not yet been born, so he was unable to blow up the asteroid that led to their eventual extinction.  But they were kind enough to leave behind extensive fossil records. Through those records, scientists have been able to piece together what life was like for our prehistoric friends. And while many dinosaurs have been studied, one in particular has captivated the minds of scientists and three year old's alike: Tyrannosaurus Rex. From the Greek "Tyrannosaurus" meaning "Tyrant Lizard" (from the English children's pop-up book I read recently), and the Latin "rex" meaning "king", the king of the tyrant lizards was the most ferocious predator the world has ever seen.  It had massive jaws that could eat up to 500 pounds of meat in one bite, and enormous hind legs that propelled the beast to speeds of up to 45 miles per hour. That combination of speed and power is what made the T-rex such a prolific predator. A typical hunting cycle for a T-rex consisted of rapidly consuming a small dinosaur, then immediately running up to a quarter of a mile in order to catch and consume another small dinosaur. They usually repeated this cycle until they had consumed four small dinosaurs and run about one mile. Scientists believe that this cycle was observed by early relatives of Homo sapiens who worshiped the T-rex as a deity. To pay homage to their tyrant lizard god (and in hopes of not being eaten by him), they held an annual race during which contestants would drink a cup of T-rex blood and run a quarter of a mile. They would repeat this process until they had consumed four cups of blood and run one mile. In their primitive culture, it was considered an unforgivable sin to vomit T-rex blood, so anyone who vomited during the race was bound to a tree and left as an offering to the T-rex. This annual tradition has miraculously survived for millions of years and is still being carried out today, in the form of the beer mile. Though the blood has been swapped for beer, and the human sacrifice replaced with an extra lap, the motivation for the event remains unchanged:  Appease God so He doesn't eat us.

The origins of the beer mile are well known throughout the beer mile community, so the team at  GLBM decided to make the theme of this year's race - Prehistoric Patriots! Runners came decked out in their flag-waving dino gear ready to compete for the most coveted prize of the unofficial beer mile circuit - the GLBM participation medal. Two runners even ran the race in inflatable T-rex costumes! An offering sure to please the beer mile gods. 

The race itself lived up to the (pre)historical hype!  The women's division saw 3 former GLBM champions compete against each other for the first time in race history. Two time champ and female course record holder, Lorena MacKelvie (2019,2020), squared off against former champion, Katie Seikel (2021), and defending champion, Lauren Mitchell (2022). Tiffany Palmer and Ashley Walker, no strangers to the podium themselves, rounded out the field. Seikel started the race with a strong chug and was off the starting table before the other girls were halfway through their first beers. By the end of the first lap she was narrowly ahead of MacKelvie. But another quick chug extended her lead as the two-time champion, MacKelvie, started to slow down and appeared to be close to "calling the dinosaurs." The first to have that honor however would be Tiffany Palmer. A second lap chunder put her out of the running for gold, but she continued to power through and finished the race like a champ. Extra lap and all. She would end up with a solid third place finish. Coming in at second place was defending champion, Lauren Mitchell. And the winner was Katie Seikel. She blew away the competition and won by 4 minutes with a time of 12:26, just 30 seconds shy of a new course record. Speaking of course records, you may be asking yourself "What about Lorena? She holds that record. Why wasn't she on the podium this year?" That answer can be found in the slideshow below. 

The men's division also featured a two time champion, Justin Mitchell (2020,2021). But unlike the women's race, the only other former champion, Michael Mackelvie (2019,2022), was absent from the field recovering from an Achilles injury. The cause of the injury was not disclosed. During an interview about the race, a local family medicine physician, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that inflammation of the Achilles tendon is a common symptom of reactive arthritis secondary to Chlamydia trachomatis infections in men. Now we here at GLBM uphold the highest standards of journalism and we were unable to confirm if this was the cause of the injury, so take that information with a grain of salt. And if you've been intimate with Michael, you might want to take that information with a shot of Doxycycline. Regardless of the cause of his disgusting injury, his absence from the race meant that the favorite to win was Justin Mitchell. Justin Walker nearly beat Mitchell in 2021, but he was at a significant disadvantage this year because of his awesome inflatable T-rex suit (See above). Matt Smith was also looking to win his first race, but rumor had it that he was watching his figure for his upcoming wedding and had been training without drinking beer. A rookie mistake from a beer mile veteran. Speaking of rookies, there were two in this years race - Alex Huesing and Garrett Schaede. No one knew how they would fare. 

The race started with a surprise from newcomer Alex Huesing. He was the first to polish off his starting beer and took the early lead out of the gate. Mitchell and Smith were close behind however and Mitchell was able to pull ahead just prior to coming to the table for beer #2. The next two laps were neck and neck between Mitchell and Huesing. At the same time in the middle of the pack, Smith separated himself from the T-rex wearing Walker and overall wearing Schaede and had third place locked down. As the leaders approached the table for the final beers, things were getting tense in the crowd as a familiar story was starting to take shape: Justin Mitchell had a slim lead going into the final lap.  Fans had seen this exact scenario play out twice before. Once in 2020, and again in 2021. In both previous instances, Justin was able to summon strength from deep within and come through with thrilling victories. Could he do it again? 

Of course he could. And he did. It's a tale as old as time. 

- Grand Lake Beer Mile Team