200 million years ago, dinosaurs ruled the earth.  Their reign lasted over 100 million years. Unfortunately for them, Bruce Willis had not yet been born, so he was unable to blow up the asteroid that led to their eventual extinction.  But they were kind enough to leave behind extensive fossil records. Through those records, scientists have been able to piece together what life was like for our prehistoric friends. And while many dinosaurs have been studied, one in particular has captivated the minds of scientists and three year old's alike: Tyrannosaurus Rex. From the Greek "Tyrannosaurus" meaning "Tyrant Lizard" (from the English children's pop-up book I read recently), and the Latin "rex" meaning "king", the king of the tyrant lizards was the most ferocious predator the world has ever seen.  It had massive jaws that could eat up to 500 pounds of meat in one bite, and enormous hind legs that propelled the beast to speeds of up to 45 miles per hour. That combination of speed and power is what made the T-rex such a prolific predator. A typical hunting cycle for a T-rex consisted of rapidly consuming a small dinosaur, then immediately running up to a quarter of a mile in order to catch and consume another small dinosaur. They usually repeated this cycle until they had consumed four small dinosaurs and run about one mile. Scientists believe that this cycle was observed by early relatives of Homo sapiens who worshiped the T-rex as a deity. To pay homage to their tyrant lizard god (and in hopes of not being eaten by him), they held an annual race during which contestants would drink a cup of T-rex blood and run a quarter of a mile. They would repeat this process until they had consumed four cups of blood and run one mile. In their primitive culture, it was considered an unforgivable sin to vomit T-rex blood, so anyone who vomited during the race was bound to a tree and left as an offering to the T-rex. This annual tradition has miraculously survived for millions of years and is still being carried out today, in the form of the beer mile. Though the blood has been swapped for beer, and the human sacrifice replaced with an extra lap, the motivation for the event remains unchanged:  Appease God so He doesn't eat us.

The origins of the beer mile are well known throughout the beer mile community, so the team at  GLBM decided to make the theme of this year's race - Prehistoric Patriots! Runners came decked out in their flag-waving dino gear ready to compete for the most coveted prize of the unofficial beer mile circuit - the GLBM participation medal. Two runners even ran the race in inflatable T-rex costumes! An offering sure to please the beer mile gods. 

The race itself lived up to the (pre)historical hype!  The women's division saw 3 former GLBM champions compete against each other for the first time in race history. Two time champ and female course record holder, Lorena MacKelvie (2019,2020), squared off against former champion, Katie Seikel (2021), and defending champion, Lauren Mitchell (2022). Tiffany Palmer and Ashley Walker, no strangers to the podium themselves, rounded out the field. Seikel started the race with a strong chug and was off the starting table before the other girls were halfway through their first beers. By the end of the first lap she was narrowly ahead of MacKelvie. But another quick chug extended her lead as the two-time champion, MacKelvie, started to slow down and appeared to be close to "calling the dinosaurs." The first to have that honor however would be Tiffany Palmer. A second lap chunder put her out of the running for gold, but she continued to power through and finished the race like a champ. Extra lap and all. She would end up with a solid third place finish. Coming in at second place was defending champion, Lauren Mitchell. And the winner was Katie Seikel. She blew away the competition and won by 4 minutes with a time of 12:26, just 30 seconds shy of a new course record. Speaking of course records, you may be asking yourself "What about Lorena? She holds that record. Why wasn't she on the podium this year?" That answer can be found in the slideshow below. 

The men's division also featured a two time champion, Justin Mitchell (2020,2021). But unlike the women's race, the only other former champion, Michael Mackelvie (2019,2022), was absent from the field recovering from an Achilles injury. The cause of the injury was not disclosed. During an interview about the race, a local family medicine physician, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that inflammation of the Achilles tendon is a common symptom of reactive arthritis secondary to Chlamydia trachomatis infections in men. Now we here at GLBM uphold the highest standards of journalism and we were unable to confirm if this was the cause of the injury, so take that information with a grain of salt. And if you've been intimate with Michael, you might want to take that information with a shot of Doxycycline. Regardless of the cause of his disgusting injury, his absence from the race meant that the favorite to win was Justin Mitchell. Justin Walker nearly beat Mitchell in 2021, but he was at a significant disadvantage this year because of his awesome inflatable T-rex suit (See above). Matt Smith was also looking to win his first race, but rumor had it that he was watching his figure for his upcoming wedding and had been training without drinking beer. A rookie mistake from a beer mile veteran. Speaking of rookies, there were two in this years race - Alex Huesing and Garrett Schaede. No one knew how they would fare. 

The race started with a surprise from newcomer Alex Huesing. He was the first to polish off his starting beer and took the early lead out of the gate. Mitchell and Smith were close behind however and Mitchell was able to pull ahead just prior to coming to the table for beer #2. The next two laps were neck and neck between Mitchell and Huesing. At the same time in the middle of the pack, Smith separated himself from the T-rex wearing Walker and overall wearing Schaede and had third place locked down. As the leaders approached the table for the final beers, things were getting tense in the crowd as a familiar story was starting to take shape: Justin Mitchell had a slim lead going into the final lap.  Fans had seen this exact scenario play out twice before. Once in 2020, and again in 2021. In both previous instances, Justin was able to summon strength from deep within and come through with thrilling victories. Could he do it again? 

Of course he could. And he did. It's a tale as old as time. 

- Grand Lake Beer Mile Team

While the storylines going into the race were full of uncertainties, there was little doubt who was going to come away with victory after the first two laps had been completed. This was true of both the men's and women's divisions. 

Men's:

The Mackelvie family was down one runner this year. Lorena had recently found out that she was pregnant, so chugging beers and running in the July heat was gently discouraged by her doctors. That left the family hopes of victory on Michael. Usually not a good recipe for success, but Michael had a few tricks up his speedo this year. And by that I mean that the speedo itself was obviously an advantage. Due to his smaller than average size genitals, the amount of cloth required to cover them was minuscule (see photos). Physics experts have confirmed that this greatly improved aerodynamics and probably shaved about 8 seconds off of his total time. This advantage was evident as soon as the first beer had been chugged and the runners started down the road. Mackelvie took an early lead and never relinquished it. While still a slower than average chugger, his speed on the course was too much to overcome. He set a new course record of 9:12, and was followed by Justin Mitchell (wearing normal clothes) who ran a 9:19, which would have also set the course record if not for Mackelvie's historic run. In third place was Justin Walker with a solid time of 9:42. 

Women's:

This race was where the real heroics occurred. Just shy of two months postpartum, Lauren Mitchell laced up her shoes and ran the race of her career. Having little time to train for the race after delivering an adorable little accident, she went into the contest unsure of how she would fare. But two laps in it was clear that she was not going to be caught. She only increased her lead in the final two laps and finished nearly 5 minutes ahead of the nearest competitor. Momma is clearly a baddy. 

Also of note, Phil Mares took gold in the Legends division for the second consecutive year and looks to be nearly unstoppable. 

Another great race in the books and we look forward to many more to come. 

- Grand Lake Beer Mile Team

As the sun rose over the majestic waters of Grand Lake on Independence Day, there was a buzz in the air. A buzz of excitement about the upcoming race, and the buzz of an electric guitar. The tune was the Star Spangled Banner. A welcome sound to the participants and spectators of the 3rd annual Grand Lake Beer Mile. Not a single runner was without a patriotic graphic tee, and not a single eye was dry. GLBM newcomer, John Lomax, strummed out a version of the national anthem so beautiful you would have to be a card carrying commie not to be moved. Don’t believe me? Listen for yourself hippie (Click on the video). See what I mean? It was a fitting preamble for a race that would be just as inspiring. 

The buzz of excitement surrounding the race was for multiple reasons. Whispers of "Damn, this race looks legit this year," could be heard amongst the crowd. A first aid golf cart, new banner (almost), and baller ass race medals were just a few of the new additions to the venue. The race had also attracted some new faces on the track and in the crowd. Trent Bratz broke the glass ceiling as the first minor to be allowed to run in this historic race (before you call CPS, his beer was subbed out for diet coke). Just as impressive, Bullet Palmer, broke the species barrier as the first K-9 to run. The aforementioned playing of John Lomax was a siren song to many in the surrounding neighborhood, as multiple golf carts full of curious bystanders drove by to see what it was that was making them cry. When they heard that defending champion and local hero, Justin Mitchell, was about to try and defend his beer mile title, they stuck around to watch. Another new face that came to watch Mitchell was his 3 month old son, Harrison. By far the cutest spectator to ever watch a beer mile. Don't believe me? Go look at the photo gallery. See what I mean? 

While the race was full of fresh faces, it was missing a familiar one - Michael Mackelvie. No one knew for sure where he was, but there were rumors as to his whereabouts. Some speculated that he was still too emotionally damaged from last year's crushing defeat to attempt to regain his title. Others claimed he could not attend because he was suffering from multiple venereal diseases simultaneously. As is the case with most competing narratives, the truth was likely some combination of both. Regardless, he was not able to participate in the race which left most BM experts to predict the title race would come down to defending champion, Justin Mitchell, and last year's third place finisher, Justin Walker. The experts were right for once, but what they did not predict, was just how close the race would be. Let's just say one of them crossed the finish line "Just-in" front of Justin. See what I did there?

The race started with Mitchell and Walker out of the chugging station ahead of the pack. The female contenders were not far behind, as Katie Seikel, Lauren Mitchell, and Tiffany Palmer started strong and opened up a lead against the other female competitors. However, after the second chug was over, it was clear that the Justin's were not going to be caught. Mitchell had a small lead after the second chug and maintained it going into the final chug. The crowd was on the edge of their lawn chairs. Flashbacks to the previous year were certainly replaying in their minds. In that race, Mitchell famously came from behind going into the final chug to defeat the defending champion. This time around, he was the champion trying to hold off a come-from-behind victory. Perhaps he recognized this irony approaching the beer table. Perhaps he also recognized the irony that coming from behind was likely the reason Makelvie was too sick to race this year. Perhaps he had eaten a croissant for breakfast again. Whatever the reason, he was able to power through the anguish of trying to drink carbonated alcohol as fast as you can while trying to catch your breath, (a feeling that participants of a beer mile are all too familiar with) and leave the chugging table with his lead intact. Walker was not far off however, and approaching the final straightaway he was just a few seconds behind. Little did Mitchell know, this was all a part of Walker's race strategy. Walker had something left in the tank and began to pick up his pace. Mitchell was oblivious to his change of pace, and was feeling confident in his inevitable victory. That's when the controversy happened. Lauren Mitchell yelled to her husband to warn him of Walker's blistering speed. Now aware that he was in danger of being passed, Mitchell picked up his pace as well. Both runner's continued to speed up until they were both in a dead sprint for the final 50 meters. This was the sprint finish BM fans had been waiting years to witness! The excitement in the crowd reached a fever pitch. In the end, Mitchell was able to summon the speed to hold off Walker and was once again victorious. It will undoubtably go down as one of the greatest races of all time. 

As for the controversy on the final lap? Some said it was collusion. Some said it was simply a smoking hot postpartum momma rooting for her husband. The race commissioner agreed with the latter, and the victory was upheld. 

Until Next Year,

Justin Mitchell

Race Commissioner

The Second Annual Grand Lake Beer Mile took place on Saturday, July 4th, 2020 and was a resounding success!

Beers were chugged, miles were run, vomit was expelled, records were shattered, and good times were had.

There  were many race highlights, but the moment that sports pundits agree will go down as one of the top athletic achievements of all time took place beginning at lap 3 of the race.

Let's set the stage:

Last year's champion, Michael Mackelvie, came into the race as the overwhelming favorite. And why shouldn't he? He is a world class runner who attended Oklahoma State University (A world class drinking school).  There were some whispers however, in the underground beer mile community, that Justin Walker was primed to take his crown. Anyone that has seen Walker shotgun a beer knows that the chugging advantage belonged to him. But what many didn't know was that he had ramped up his  running training and was posting some times that were approaching that of Mackelvie's. There were also rumors that he had been perfecting the glass bottle swirl chugging technique. The Vegas oddsmakers were surely taking notice as odds began to shift in the weeks approaching the race.  But what the experts in Vegas and the beer mile elites neglected to take note of was the burning desire for revenge brewing inside last year's runner-up: Justin Mitchell. Not much was said regarding his chances of winning this year's race. In fact, he was largely written off as a legitimate contender for the gold. To add fuel to the fire, an article in Chunder Magazine questioned whether he was in a position to get beat by last year's female winner, Lorena Santoni. In the minds of all the so-called "experts" it was going to be a two man race: Mackelvie vs Walker

Back to race:

The Walker vs  Mackelvie narrative did not last long. The bottle swirl chug technique turned out to be a disaster out of the gate for Walker. Instead of a  funnel of delicious beer rushing down his gaping esophagus, a series of gas bubbles formed which significantly slowed down the flow of beer and led to a large amount of gas build-up in Walker's stomach. His chances  of winning were over before the first beer was consumed. Instead, the first lap of the race was a familiar site to beer mile fans worldwide:  Mackelvie opened up a commanding lead. The second lap was more of the  same, and it looked as if the disappointing reality of another victory for the reigning champ was all but certain. But then something shocking, some may say beautiful, happened. Mackelvie started his 3rd chug with a half-lap lead on the closest competitor. As is alluded to on the website www.grandlakebeermile.com,  Michael is a 3-4 on the Kinsey scale, and as such decided to mix in a bitch beer to his chugging rotation. This was a huge mistake. He struggled to force down the flavorful mixture of hops and lime cactus.  The anguish was evident on his face and in the rumblings of his stomach.  All the while, across from him at that same table (6 feet apart of  course) an iron stomach was making short work of a manly Michelob Ultra.  That iron stomach belonged to Justin Mitchell. Before Mackelvie could finish his 3rd beer, Mitchell was off and running his 3rd lap, flipping Mackelvie the bird on his way out. The lead was short lived for our hero though. Michael made up ground and went into the 4th and final chug  with the lead yet again. But by this time the deliciously balanced flavor of lime and beer was inching its way up Michael's gastric fundus and knocking on the door of his esophageal sphincter. Another painfully slow chug was only halfway finished when Mitchell and his steel trap of a stomach polished off his final beer. When Mackelvie finally finished his last beer, the chase was on. The excitement of the crowd was palpable at this point and the cheers were heard by everyone in the neighborhood (except Katie). At the turn-around point, Mitchell still held the lead, but the distance was diminishing rapidly. Then Mitchell seemed to summon something from deep within. Maybe it was the desire to  prove all of the experts wrong. Maybe it was the thought of being able to gloat about the victory for a whole year. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the croissant he had for breakfast. Whatever it was, he reached down deep, picked up speed, and rode that new pace to a glorious victory and a new course record (9:35).  He left it all out on the course.  Figuratively. Mackelvie on the other hand, littered the road with stomach acid, beer, and of course a hint of lime.

Thank you to all who participated and made this year one for the ages!

Sincerely,

Grand Lake Beer Mile Team